[all_funkt_up]

Originally Posted by The Times

So don't you dare stop us if you've heard this one before: Steve Sidwell's off to Chelsea, and may even arrive at Stamford Bridge in time to see Arjen Robben tumble and roll out the door and all the way to Bayern Munich, the club who, fittingly, are known in Germany as FC Hollywood.
Robben will be one of many recruits at Bayern, who are so stung at missing out on Champions League qualification for the first time in 178 years that they've vowed to sign almost an entire new team. Fiorentina front man Luca Toni and Werder Bremen's Miroslav Klose are also in their sights, and they're even pondering re-signing Zé Roberto, currently going down a storm at Santos. Ajax striker Klaas Jan Huntelaar is also being chased by the German also-rans, but word is his most likely destination is Manchester United. Or Juventus. For some reason, none of those clubs are interested in Marlon Harewood, who, as soon as he's finished celebrating West Ham's Premiership survival, will be sold to ... relegated Watford.

Mark Viduka's wobbling up and down metaphorical European catwalks in the hope of catching the eye of someone who isn't Middlesbrough. Newcastle just about fit that bill.

Elsewhere in the north-east, Roy Keane is glaring in the general direction of The Hawthorns as he prepares to make West Brom an offer they can't refuse for flame-haired defender Paul McShane. Keane, for all the Mill knows, may also be one of the hundreds of managers drooling over Marseille wonder-winger Franck Ribéry, who's set to reject everyone except AC Milan.

Bundesliga bottlers Schalke 04 want Jérôme Rothen from PSG. And Deportivo la Coruna are also planning some summer shopping in Paris - and for some unfathomable reason have Colombian centre-back and incorrigible shirt-puller Mario Yepes on their list.