SMS Jokes.

[ONEDUNME]

I'd like to wish that joke a very happy 25th birthday. Chubby Brown must be so proud

[slick]

it was bad wasent it, soz but i was just running around filling in spaces, I'll save the best for the weekend.

[conanthelibrarian]

Dont get me started.

[conanthelibrarian]

VERY PROUD TO BE BRITISH BECAUSE.......



Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won ' t miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION...

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalectrix cars.
AND FINALLY.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

[conanthelibrarian]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks " Excuthe me thir. Do you have any widdle wabbits ? "

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and he asks " Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and futhy bwack wabbit or, maybe, one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there ?

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,leans forward and whispers ....................





" I don't fink my pet pyfon weally givthes a phuk"

[slick]

How can you compare Skol to making love in a canoe?.........




It's fucking close to water!................

[slick]

This couple have just met in a bar, really hit it off and gone back to her place to have wild, passionate sex. After they have finished he lies back with a smug look on his face, "I guess that was just about the best sex you have ever had," he says. "What makes you say that?" asks the woman.

"Well, every time we did it, I couldn't help notice how it made your toes curl," he explains.

"Oh," says the woman, "that was just because most men wait to take off my tights first."

[thet10002001]

Just my luck !!! Went down to the beach at Branscombe today to see what we could scav from the shipwreck, opened a container door and 30 pakis fell out!

[andeeeee]

jade goody has apparently decided to change her name and adopt the muslim faith to prove she isnt racist. she wants to be known as "yaffat fukka"

[slick]

[Bigkegman]

Sly Stallone last week at Goodison asked to see all the trophys and Moyes said it would take about 20 minutes - Sly said "WOW - 20 minutes that must be some trophy room". Moyles replied "No - that's how long it will take us to drive to Anfield"................

[tommya]

Originally Posted by thet10002001

Just my luck !!! Went down to the beach at Branscombe today to see what we could scav from the shipwreck, opened a container door and 30 pakis fell out!

better than white trash

[slick]

you know how to kill a Joke Tommy, i better change this to an Irish one....

Zookeeper says "Paddy, the Gorillas on heat, I need someone to have sex with her. Will u fcuk her for £500?"
Paddy replies "I will on 3 conditions, 1. I don't kiss her, 2. My family don't get to know and 3. U give me a couple of weeks to get the cash together!"

[slick]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

And with that she got up, unplugged the TV and then threw my fcuking pint down the sink! She's Such A Bitch......
__________________

[slick]

God appears to a man and says he'll have to quit fags, drink and sex if he wants to go to heaven.
A wk later god re-appears and asks him how its going. Man says the fags and drink were easy to give up but when my wife bent over to take meat out of the freezer i cudnt resist i had to give her one there and then.
God says we dont like that sort of thing in heaven.
Man replies they dont like it in Asda either...!!