By the time you read this Barcelona will have witnessed pitched battles fought between the "snatch and burn" hit squads of Keep Flags Scouse warlord Larry Bin Laden and the non-Scouse flag-waving Guildford Gestapo (and other elements of the Extreme
Wool Front).
Or maybe it won't. Because the Keep Flags Scouse campaign is a joke. Except it's not. Not really. Perhaps we'd better start at the beginning.
Keep Flags Scouse started during Liverpool's 2000-01
Uefa Cup run. Middle England-loathing reds - hardened against the Union flag and the flag of St George by Thatcherism and the aftermath of Hillsborough - were embarrassed and disgusted to see these flags waved by "day-trippers and nouveau fans" who, claims KFS co-founder John Mackin, "brought along their small-town philosophies and Ing-ger-land attitudes."
In Rome that year some of the offending flags were "snatched and destroyed". KFS stalwarts started talking about the Boss Wednesday Agreement - an entirely fictional treaty between entirely fictional KFS factions where the rules of Scouse flagdom are definitively laid out.
It was a joke. Sort of. "It creates confusion, bemuses the wools and creates anarchy. We like that," says Mackin.
The fact that the Boss Wednesday Agreement is so often quoted but entirely non-existent has led to some dementedly chaotic arguments about what is and isn't a Scouse flag. Does - for instance - the red "Norwegian Wools" flag qualify? No - say some KFS hard-liners. It fails to meet Boss Wednesday criteria because it name-checks a non-Liverpool place name.
"A huge yes," says John Mackin. "Funny. Conscious of its credentials but does its best to adhere to the general 'rules'. Also has earned its stripes - those lads go everywhere and are good eggs. You'd be proud of them - good company and never behave like dicks. And they get the ale in: very important."
On the KFS-affiliated
Reds All Over The Land (RAOTL) fansite you'll find an entire gallery of approved banners and flags, including such spontaneously witty classics as "London stinks of rat piss", and "Welcome to hell my arse! If you think this is hell try the Grafton on a Friday night."
Which begs the obvious question, can you really campaign for spontaneous wit?
"Nope, good call Mr Pedant," concedes Mackin. "But what you can do is campaign against the derivative and tired, and by doing so engender an atmosphere where spontaneity is the only option."
As jokes go - even semi-serious ones - KFS has provoked some curious responses. The campaign has been co-opted by the definitely-not-joking
Reclaim the Kop website. RTK also published a 10-week 'Kop Etiquette' series and a Kop Charter (No7: "It's not endearing when visitors don curly-perm wigs and tell locals to 'calm down'") alongside some of the worst football poetry ever written: "Most knowledgeable fans throughout the world is how we once were known/ But is that a reputation that we have now outgrown?"
Keep Flags Scouse has also featured on
the official LFC site. Which is sort of odd. You don't need to hear too much KFS ranting to realise that it's, at best, semi-serious.
"Defy us at your peril. Dissent and we'll fatwa you. Resistance is futile. What do you think this is, a free country?"
Some Scouse-and-wool Liverpool fans have spectacularly failed to get the joke. KFS have been accused of Luddite parochialism, xenophobia and nostalgia for a past that never really existed. Out-of-town fans have threatened violence against anyone who touches their flag.
An idiot on the other side accused non-Scousers of being "inbread" (no, really). Another called for the campaign to be extended to jester-hat wearing "Oirish twats". And then there was the disturbingly surreal sight of a chat-room message calling for the burning of all "wool flags" and "all wools", the messenger signing off with a request that we always remember the innocent victims of Hillsborough.
Joke or no, the RTK and KFS campaigns tell us loads about the state of modern fandom and the debate about who is and is not a real fan. Particularly in relation to
Liverpool fans and their apparent need to portray themselves as authentic in contrast to the allegedly rootless Southern flâneurs who support "United".
"It tells us that traditional fans are tired of the way the game is going," says John Mackin. "How their traditions have been eroded. How they are feeling alienated by clubs who will chase ANY fan, regardless of their loyalty or strength of allegiance. "It also tells us that Sky and the Premier League seem to have an agenda to create a new type of modern superfan; they seem to actively seek to get rid of the hairy-arsed, smelly, beery male supporter of the past and replace him with a new breed of 'family customer'".
Class, race and gender all raise their jargon-spewing heads and one could easily knock off a semi-humorous essay comparing the nostalgic parochialism of post-punk football fanzine lefties with the affected nationalist folkisms of the anti-"coca-colonialism" Stalinist left of the 1950s.
But we won't.
The bottom line, says John Mackin is that it's "just flags at football".
"Tell people not to take it all so seriously. That said, the KFS will be out at Anfield next week shooting offenders."
Visit to the
RAOTL website and you'll find a thread about "keeping babies' names Scouse". And the announcement of the formation of the Surrey branch of KFS. You'll also find Liverpool's new American owners saluted under the masthead: "Go Team Liverpool! Offense! Offense! Offense!"
In a world where globalisation is increasingly dissolving all traditional definitions of authenticity and community, I think that's called getting your retaliation in first.
KFS - Keep Flags Scouse
